Nigerian Scammer Meets Surfer Dude

A funny friend who is a mature banking professional (and who prefers to stay off the radar of the 419-scammers) had an irresistible urge to respond to one of the Nigerian scam letters she received this week. Adopting her surf-boy persona, she let loose! The original letter appears below, along with her interlineated responses in blue.

Since he addressed me as sir I will pretend to be of the male gender. I hear people do that sort of thing online all of the time. :-)

DR.ISSA DANJUMA.,
MANAGING DIRECTOR (BILL AND EXCHANGE)
AFRICAN INTERNATIONAL BANK CO-OPERATION(AIBC)
LAGOS-NIGERIA.

DEAR SIR,
Tee Hee!

I AM DR.ISSA DANJUMA, MANAGING DIRECTOR BILL AND EXCHANGE DEPT. AT THE AFRICAN INTERNATIONAL BANK CO-OPERATION LAGOS. WITH DUE RESPECT I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US.
COOL! That rocks, ISSA dude! I need money!

AT THE BANK'S LAST ACCOUNTS/AUDITING VALUATIONS, MY STAFFS CAME ACROSS AN OLD ACCOUNT WHICH WAS BEING MAINTAINED BY A FOREIGN CLIENT WHO WE LEARNT WAS AMONG THE DECEASED PASSENGERS OF AN AIRLINE CRASH ON THE 6TH OF NOV. 2001.
Very Sad!

SINCE THE DECEASED WAS UNAB LE TO RUN THIS ACCOUNT AS A RESULT OF HIS DEATH,
Bummer. It's hard to transact biz after you die.

THE ACCOUNT HAS REMAINED DORMANT WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF HIS FAMILY SINCE IT WAS PUT IN A SAFE DEPOSIT ACCOUNT IN THE BANK FOR FUTURE INVESTMENT BY THE CLIENT.
Couldn't tell the old ball and chain, eh? Wonder what he was investing in?

SINCE HIS DEMISE, NOBODY, NOT EVEN THE MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY HAVE APPLIED FOR THE CLAIM OF THIS FUND, AND IT HAS BEEN IN THE SAFE DEPOSIT ACCOUNT UNTIL WE DESCOVERED THAT IT CANNOT BE CLAIMED SINCE OUR CLIENT IS A FOREIGN NATIONAL AND WE ARE SURE THAT HE HAS NO NEXT OF KIN HERE TO FILE CLAIMS OVER THE MONEY. AS THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF THE DEPT, THIS DISCOVERY WAS BROUGHT TO MY DESK SO AS TO DECIDE WHAT IS TO BE DONE. WITH THE FEW PERSONNEL IN MY DEPT., WE DECIDED TO SEEK WAYS THROUGH WHICH TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY OUT OF THE BANK AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY TOO. THE TOTAL AMOUNT IN THE ACCOUNT IS (SEVENTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) USD$17,500,000.00
$17,500,000.00!!! DUDE! I'm getting a Dell and a surf board! Oh, Sweet! Maybe even put a down payment on the condo.

WITH MY POSITION AS THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF THE BANK, WE ARE HANDICAPPED BECAUSE THE PRESENT CODE OF CONDUCT ACT OF THE BANK MAKES IT AN OFFENCE FOR US TO OPERATE FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND CANNOT LAY BONAFIDE CLAIM OVER THIS MONEY.
It's totally bogus when you can't be bonafide!

WHILE WE WERE CONTEMPLATING ON HOW TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE, A FRIEND OF MINE WHO WORKS WITH THE NIGERIA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY RECOMMENDED YOUR PERSONALITY TO ME AND ADVISED I SHOULD ASK YOU FOR HELP, TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
I'm here for yah, Dude!

THE CLIENT IS A FOREIGN NATIONAL AND YOU WILL ONLY BE ASKED TO ACT AS HIS NEXT OF KIN AND I WILL SUPPLY YOU WITH ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATIONS AND BANK DATAS TO ASSIST YOU WITHSTAND THE ELIGIBILITY IN TRANSFFRING THIS MONEY TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT OR ANY SAFE PLACE OF YOUR CHOICE WHERE THIS MONEY CAN BE SUCCESSFULLY TRANSFERED TO.
Too much info...I keep my money in a piggy bank or under my pillow. Don't tell my roommate. He's buggin' me for half the rent.

I AND MY PARTNERS HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE AWAY TWENTY(20%) OF THE TOTAL SUM TO YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND FIVE (5%) FOR ANY UNFORSEEN EXPENSES THAT MIGHT ARISE IN THE CAUSE OF TRANSFFERING THIS MONEY. WE WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS ABSOLUTELY RISK FREE SINCE WE WORK IN THIS BANK, THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD BE CONFIDENT IN THE SUCCESS OF THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE YOU WILL BE UPDATED WITH INFORMATION AS AT WHEN DESIRED. THEREFORE, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENCIAL AND SECRET AS WE ARE HOPING TO RETIRE WITH OUR SHARE OF THIS MONEY AT THE END OF THE SUCCESSFULL TRANSFFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
In the words of the GoGos (that chick band from the 80s), "My Lips are Sealed."

WE WILL THEN COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR SHARING ACCORDING TO THE ABOVE STATED PERCENTAGE RATIO. YOU ARE ALSO TO ADVISE US ON A PROFITABLE VENTURES TO INVEST OUR SHARE OF THE FUND.
When you come to my country we'll have a big party on the beach. Maybe I can use the money and get Ozzie to play for us.

PLEASE FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND ENQUIRIES FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME THROUGH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS.
Rad! I've got some links to totally cool surf sites!

THANKS AND REMAIN BLESSED.
Back at Yah Buddy!! Hey, man, you really ought to get that caps lock problem fixed with some of that dough.

Copyright, 2003, BankersOnline. First published on BankersOnline 4/8/03. All rights reserved.