They're all that remains of former loved ones with whom we had one major disagreement. I thought the relationship was perfect; they thought we should see other people.




Is there a song that takes you instantly back to childhood?

Puff the Magic Dragon.

Why does my cat continue to throw up on the carpet, which there is little of, instead of the wood floors, which there is plenty of?

Because they aim for the surface that's closest to grass and the hardwood floors are too hard.

Have you ever thought: "I never knew just how wet I could get until that day my son pushed me in the pool while I was completely dressed"?

Never thought that at all.

Why do your kids always want you to play in the freezing water(ocean/pool/etc) with them?

They've yet to achieve the higher brain functions that alert them to the rediculousness of swimming in cold waters.




Have you ever been camping under the stars and a cold breeze kicks up and you realize that if you didn't have a house to go back to, you'd be stuck camping under the stars and every time a cold breeze picked up you'd think, 'Why couldn't I just live in a house?'?

Nope, but I once randomly ended up sleeping in an onion field beside a church in Nashville because the campground I was supposed to stay at burned down the night before we went for a concert.


Don't you wish you had a weird onion field story?

I do! I just have weird corn field stories. Well, then there was that other time in the bean field. Ah, but the best would have been those eight time in the tomato field plus the 2 other times in the carrot field. But then I left Ohio and put down my hoe.


What's the most fun job you've ever had?

picking pickles when I was 10 years old, we made a $1 an hour; we had great rotten cucumber fights when the bosses weren't watching

whats the most forgetable job you have had?

Well there was this chick in college who wouldn't, um, well.....nevermind.



If B.A. Barackus (Obama) flapped his ears hard enough, would he fly?

I would love to see what a pickle plant looks like.

I dunno about Michigan, but in Wisconsin, we picked and pickled cucumbers in order to get pickles.

yeah, right up there with the elephants and pigs

Who should I vote for on March 4?

oh man, everybody knows pickles are just immature cukes - you are just being silly!

Vote for the candidate you favor most, because all too often we vote for the lesser of 2X evils.


Hom many umbrellas do you own?

One and a half.. The half is horribly mangled.

Do ya like sushi?

Like it? I love sushi!! I could eat it every week, if not for the expense.



Isn't it just the most amazing thing, just how dark it can get in the absence of light?

it has to do with those in the darkness loving the darkness, love is a very powerful thing you know --

Can you imagine swimming with whale sharks down at South Padre?

Because she never learned to enjoy sex, your grandmother equated the comfort and satisfaction of eating Velveeta with sex.

PR, whale sharks would be safe to swim with because they just eat plankton.





Do you think vampires tan by the light of the moon?

No, I think they pale.


Wooaa.. Wait a minute.. is Pale a vampire?

He does suck the fun out of things.

What's the last movie you saw?

(point, AE!!! )

i don't remember.



why does gum lose it's flavor?

The enzymes in your saliva interacting with the flavor crystals.

What does long lasting mean to you?

Because your teeth continue to break down the chemical compounds that compose the "flavor."


What good does a Degree in finance with a minor in organic chemistry and psychology do for job outlooks?

ae and dooby scare me a little.


why would you put peanut butter in a fannie pack?

Kitten hurt my feelings.

Who still uses fannie packs?