I recently found out that Mrs. PP is related to Robert Downey Jr. through marriage on her mother's side. So now I feel like I can say that I am related to Iron Man.

That's pretty awesome!

Hook a friend up!

He's married, sorry. But I am hoping to get an Iron Man helmet or chest piece out of the relationship.

Martian leader to Martian underling - "Ack, ack ack ack!"
Martian underling to Martian Leader - "Ack ack ack!"

You just can't argue with that!

"Right turn Clyde"

WHOP!!!!

Mail Room Orienter: You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. Code it wrong and they dock you! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock you!

Vince: I realize that you don't care about your job, but I do.

Zack: And I want to thank you for caring about my job, really.

(whispers) Tell us we will die like dogs.

El Guapo - You will die like dogs.

Lucky Day - No! We will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions! Because we are... THE THREE AMIGOS!

Rosita: I was thinking later, you could kiss me on the veranda.

Dusty Bottoms: Lips would be fine.

Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's [censored] a-hoppin'.

I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?

LDD - Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were my new American style girlfriend.
Jake - Forget it. Just get Samantha, all right?
LDD - She not here.
Jake - Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?
LDD - She got married.
Jake - What?
LDD - She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.
Jake - Married?
LDD - Married.
Jake - Married?
LDD - Yeah. Married.
Jake - :whispers to himself: Married?
LDD - Married! Jeez!

"Best day ever!!!"

"I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach: I just got kicked out of the unit. My flight status has been withdrawn. I'm through, Dead Meat!

Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson: What happened?

Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach: It's my eyes. I've got walleye-vision.

Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson: Isn't there something that can be done?

Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach: Well, there's a delicate corneal inversion procedure... a multi-opti-pupil-optomy. But, in order to keep from damaging the eye sockets, they've got to go in through the rectum. Ain't no man going to take that route with me!

---

Topper Harley: Those are some long legs...

Ramada Thompson: I just had them lengthened. Now they go all the way up.

One of my personal favorites:

Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.

here's a quarter

take a bus downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off of your face

Kirkwood: I hate to say I told you so, but that's what we get for going into business with a crook!

Snaps: I'm a crook?

[standing up, buttoning his coat]

Snaps: You come into my house with your fine print and addendums and try to con me out of my dough? Geez, I'm used to dealing with mobsters, bootleggers, and gunzles, but you bankers... are scary.

Kirkwood: [rising out of the chair] I have never been so insulted in all my life.

Snaps: Wait. You're young yet.

---

Snaps: Let's get started, I got until noon to look like a banker.

Luigi Finucci: Oh, we make-a you look like a banker. Take off-a you pants.

---

Snaps: What a day this turned out to be! Both my girls are getting married!

Sophia: [looks at Snaps suspiciously] What do you mean, "both"?

Snaps: [embraces her, indicates Theresa] Sophia, my wife, meet Theresa, my daughter.

Sophia: Your... daughter?

Snaps: I just found out myself.

Theresa: Me, too!

Sophia: If she's your daughter, then who is her mother?

Roxanne: I am.

Sophia: [shouts] You had a child with the new maid?

Overton: [the bankers have just walked into the foyer] Excuse me, have we come at a bad time?

Hi I'm Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart.

I'm Uncle Wart.

Randy: Hey Sandy, want some candy?

Sandy: Some candy'd be dandy.

Randy: Hey Candy, want some candy?

Candy: No candy for me, Randy.

Andy Jackson: Aw, come on, Candy, have some candy.

Candy: I said no candy, Andy.

Andy Jackson: Okay, Candy. I'll have some candy, Randy.

Randy: Okay, Randy. I'll give you Candy's candy.

Andy Jackson: Can I also have Mandy's candy?

Sandy: No, Randy! Don't give Andy Mandy's candy! Give him the candy that's handy!

Randy: All right, Sandy. So, Andy, what's your favorite candy?

Andy Jackson: Mints.

Quinn- I have a plan

Rocket- You have a plan?

Quinn- I have...part of a plan

Rocket- How much of a plan?

Quinn- I have 12% of a plan.

Rocket - ::laughs maniacally::

Quinn- That's not a real laugh.

Rocket- It's real!

I can't wait to see this movie on August 1st!

[On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]

Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...

[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]

Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?

[Phyllis Weaver has difficulty in choosing as the audience point to the box]

Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box!

[applause]

Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!

[Hiro-san opens the box; the audience gasps. There is a silence]

Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!