We sent our son on to summer school. He made high "A"s during that time, but there was only a few kids and he got more help. For him I think if we had held him back he never would have finished school, he would have gotten to frustrated and quit. My youngest son who is nearly 30 was an October baby, he had no difficulties in school, everything came easy. It is so hard to see you kids struggle through their school work.

The dreaded progress arrived yesterday with D's earned in Language Arts and Science. B's in all other subjects. Language and Science are the papers I see him consistently fail when they are open book or open iPad. We talked again last night about taking his time and reading each question twice. It seems like maybe seeing those D's on the report might have sunk in a little with him. I've got a call in to the teacher to discuss strategies. Hoping for a vast improvement in the next 8 weeks!

I'm not sure I understand the concept of open book or iPad testing in any grade let alone 3rd. This is just my thought, but obviously your son does better when the teacher has to thoroughly teach the material and then test, as opposed to teaching to the point where now they can take an open book test.

I would ask the teacher if she teaches the material in a different manner when an open book test is applied.

Soccer--That's definitely a question I have for her as well. I don't get the impression that she teaches a whole lot. Third graders perception is time can be skewed but my son makes it sound like she mostly grades papers or works at her desk.
He has told me she snaps at the kids if they ask a question when she's not ready to be asked. We're in a TINY rural school. There is 1 third grade class so the option to switch teachers is not available. I would have moved him out of her class in September if I could have. This is not her fault though. I honestly think it's a perfect storm of a kid who doesn't care, open book which breeds laziness and a teacher that doesn't take the extra time to work with individual students. I can only help with a couple of those conditions.

I told him last night that I used to have issues with open book testing because I assumed it would be easy so I didn't study and would not do well. He seemed to respond to that. I'm in survival mode. Hopefully he's in work harder mode.

Hang in there Okie! Hopefully, this is the kick in the rear that he needs...?

But can I just say that it is a bit crazy to start doing letter grades in the 3rd grade! I mean really!

Can I just say I think this is a lot of pressure for third grade period? First and second grade are much more laid back. This is probably the kid's first exposure to studying and testing for grades. You talk of threating flunking and spanking him. Please don't put too much pressure on him or he'll burn out before high school. imho, encouraging him and helping him figure out different ways to study and learn are much more important than demanding high letter grades under penalty of punishment.

Just this ol' mom's opinion.

You're right. The amount of pressure on these 8-9 year olds is RIDICULOUS. And I've certainly succombed to it. These tests are treated like they are the be all, end all intelligience measurement. The fact that an entire year's work comes down to 1 standardized test is just insane. In the end his grades all year won't matter as much as his grade on that test. For sure I've focused on negative consequences but I'm trying to shift to more positive reinforcement tactics now.
I want him to treat school like a job and always try his best. If he was only capable of D's I would happily accept those grades and praise him. The fact that he's capable of so much more is what frustrates me to no end. As I've said our problem is a combo of many things that have snowballed since January. The teacher always led me to believe it was simply a laziness problem but now I'm not so sure. His teacher is supposed to call me today so we can work up some strategies to help him. Hopefully we'll have some sort of resolution soon.
The spankings come from lying and shirking his responsibilities which I will not tolerate. When I ask him about his work and he says he's finished it all on time and I find out later he's hiding papers in his desk I cannot let that slide.

I do appreciate everyone's advice. Sometimes parenting feels like a lonely job so it's nice to hear from people who have survived it and people that are smack dab in the middle of it.

Hang in there, all this hard work will pay off!

Ok, JMHO, but seriously a 3rd grader? All this pressure and discipline on a little boy? Yes, I'd be frustrated and I see my nephew who's in 4th grade (as well as my daughter) with similar habits. 4th grade is much different than 3rd, they're still trying to figure out things. Those standardized tests are only good if the teacher teaches in the exact way the tests are given, and all teachers don't. My daughters school switched testing a year or so ago and my daughter did awful, but the concepts and the methods the test used were not the same as in the classroom. Those tests mean nothing. My daughter is a straight A (A+) student.

If it were me, I'd be having a serious sit down with not only the teacher but the principal & demand a plan. It sounds like the teacher is not helping, and a change in the teachers attitude may be in order and if not, a change of teacher.

Dyslexia comes in many forms, my sister had it and it went unnoticed for too long, her problem was not being able to read in a straight line and not being able to "follow" paragraphs through, made it very difficult for her to read and comprehend. Due to this, spelling was also (and still is at 36, a big hurdle for her). See if you can't get some type of evaluation for him. Including types of ADD.

Many kids need alternative types of test taking, and schools are required to assist and make accommodations. Get the principal involved immediately.

Personally, I'd lighten up a little on your son, he's in 3rd grade! He needs help & guidance, and a teacher that cares.

I frustrated my mother the same (unfortunately). I was bored and therefore just didn't do the work. I also got glasses about 2 years later than I should have (thanks to a teacher who noticed and spoke up).

With my daughter, even though she was getting decent grades, I ended up finding out she had a learning disability that an observant teacher noticed.

Unfortunately, sounds like you might not have that good connection with his teacher. (Bummer!) Maybe sitting him down and having a heart to heart and asking what's going on... there could be an obstacle he's too afraid to say or admit to?

You're right! My relationship with her isn't great. I emailed her Tuesday. She told my son she would email me back. She didn't. Said she would call yesterday. She didn't. Hopefully I'll hear from her today or I will have to talk to the principal tomorrow. If there was an option to switch him to a different class, I would in a heartbeat! However she's all I've got. There's only so much I can say to him. All the work he's struggling with is at school. At home, he does his homework correctly 90% of the time! I mean I have to stay on him to keep working but he gets it done with little fuss. I've told him multiple times we'll get through this together. I'll do whatever I can to help him, but he has to make an effort too.

I wish he was the kind of kid that would open up to me. I've asked him thousands of times if something is going wrong at school. He always says it's fine and that's all. I did start asking him and my younger son to give me 1 good thing and 1 bad thing everyday as someone suggested above. The crazy thing is he loves school and never complains at all. He couldn't come up with 1 bad thing! All I know is we'll endure this struggle. When he's a teen I'll look back and wish he was still in 3rd grade. I just want him to do his best!

Please CompliantOkie, just sit down and breathe. 'endure this struggle' when you're talking about third grade is, imho, putting too much pressure on your son, the teacher and yourself. There's only what, six+ weeks left in this school year. I truly suggest you just ride it out. I wouldn't escalate to the principal. You have a really good chance of making things worse for your son, not better. Just help your son get through this year as best he can and see what next year brings. Maybe you could enroll him in a Sylvan class or something similar over the summer. It would give him down time to learn how to study better at a fourth grade level.

It just goes to show that good teachers can make all the difference in the world - no matter how involved a parent can be (and I agree the opposite is true here also - it takes both sides).

As parents, we just want the best for our kids...

In Okie's defense, the school systems are increasing rigor and expectations all the way down into elementary school. At least in my school system, the elementary school was pushing college preparedness to my youngest as early as last year (4th grade). They are already indoctrinating our kids with you have to score high and go to the best college if you want to get a job.

It's all the same propaganda they spouted when I was in high school, most of which is a bunch of bunk unless you are trying o go to an ivy league school.

So the pressure isn't just on Okie's side. The school systems are the ones pressuring our kids to do well on tests since it effects funding and in some cases teacher performance reviews.

I do agree that at this point, it is so late in the year that stressing over 3rd grade performance won't have a lot of tangible benefit. I do encourage you to see if there is an underlying cause (learning disability, etc) and address that sooner rather than later. If there is no learning disability, have some conversations with your son and set goals and expectations for next year.

At this point in the year, I would focus on is there a learning problem that needs to be addressed (ADHD, dyslexia, etc). Get the ball rolling on that now so that you can get any services and accommodations in place at the beginning of the 4th grade school year. I will tell you, though, that obtaining services for ADHD is near impossible in many school systems. So if he does have ADHD, you want to get that ball rolling ASAP.

One thing I noticed with my oldest when he was in 7th grade, was that he was so stressed, it added to his ADHD issues. After meeting with the teachers, I discovered that I was placing a lot of the stress on my son with high expectations. He felt that I wanted him to be perfect. I do have high standards. I expect him to always put forth 110% effort and to always do his best. He misunderstood that as I expected straight As and perfection. After learning this, we had a BIG heart to heart. Once he understood that all I wanted was his best effort and would accept any grade as long as it was the best he could do, he relaxed and has been doing great.

We also had a VERY long talk about how his grades were his responsibility. I was stressing myself out so much trying to help him succeed that I had taken ownership of his success (and non-success) as my own responsibility. And he let me. When you set expectations for next year, make sure he understands what he is responsible for. In a few years, you won't be around to help him (get him up for class, to prod him to do homework, etc). Start placing some of the responsibility on him to own his success.

I know you feel the same Okie, just wanting his best effort. Be sure to communicate that to your son, and that he really understands what that means. Not perfection, just the best that he can do. And let him own his successes and non-successes.

I wasn't going to chime in here but I feel I need to. When my daughter was young, she was totally discouraged by a third grade teacher. My daughter has a very high IQ and that teacher put her down constantly. It affected her for quite some time. She was a very shy kid and took things to heart. In 7th and 8th grade, things got worse, she was disheartened. I spoke to the school and got nowhere. In 9th grade, it was getting even worse. I took her to a counselor/psychiatrist for testing and counseling. We also went to Sylvan. She passed every test they had so they offered to work on her study and organizational skills and self esteem. The psychiatrist wrote a scathing letter to the school, giving all of her test results, IQ, etc. She was studying ballet and the dr. and I both told the school that I would pull her out of school before I would pull her out of ballet because that is what was keeping her going when things were so bad at school.

The school immediately changed her schedule and things got better.

My daughter hadn't wanted me to get involved, but she was much happier. The good part that I will never forget was when she was in college and Columbine happened. I was at work in NYC and she called me. We talked about what had happened and she was so upset about the teachers who were saying "we don't understand, everyone fits in here". My daughter then told me "I just want to thank you for getting involved when I had problems. If you hadn't I would have been in my room making bombs."

That was the best thanks and validation she could have given me for all of the time and work and money and frustration of the whole episode.

Do whatever you have to do to get your kids the attention they need because the schools pay attention to kids who fit in and to those who get in trouble, and let others simply slip away. The school admitted that to me; she wasn't a trouble maker so she got no attention for her problems.

Thanks for sharing you and your daughters story with us! It isa very inspirational story. I commend you for standing up for what you thought was best for your daughter!

I bet she is one awesome young woman!!!

Thank you so much KayBee. The part about your daughter taking all criticism to heart really resonated. My little guy is like that too. This teacher is just a little sarcastic sometimes and I know he gets his feelings hurt. I told her that at the very first parent/teacher conference of the school year but it didn't seem to resonate. It's a clash of personalities. I try very hard to stay engaged with the school. It's not easy being a working mom but I try my best. I still haven't heard from the teacher after I emailed her last Tuesday. At this point, I am focused on getting my little guy through the rest of the year and through the tests. We're doing some extra workbooks at home. Focusing on building his self esteem up. I've discussed with him the importance of trying his best and staying focused.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and stories. It's really helped a lot more than you know.

Maybe the holiday weekend impacted her responding to your email, Okie. I do hope you hear from her so you can rest easier that, at least in her own way, she cares about all of her students, including your son.

fwiw, I think focusing your energy on him is really the way to go. Building self-esteem is one of the best things any parent can do.

I would only hope that the teachers realize that it takes the outside employment of both mom and dad to pay the taxes that pay their salary.

AMEN! My kiddo's teacher always says, "I just don't think I am requiring that much from the parents..." Well when you work until 5 then have soccer/tball/etc until 7 or 8 and you expect us to do the timed reading/project/etc EVERY night... Yeah, it's a bit much! And this for a 2nd grader!

Sorry, totally hijacking/venting here! :P

Girl you're preaching to the choir. On a good night we get home at 6. He's got an hour of homework, dinner and shower to cram in the 2.5 hours before bedtime just so I can drag him out of bed at 7 the next morning. Oh and he's supposed to read for an hour every night. And the first grader has to read 2-3 books every night which usually takes about 30 minutes. Now that baseball's started all that work gets crammed into 1.5 hours we have before bed! Is it May 20th yet??

Lucky bankers getting home at 5 or 6

out of the house at 5am home at 7 or 8 pm

Finally heard from the teacher yesterday. His poor grades are 100% attributable to his lack of effort and lack of caring. He flies through the assignments just to get them finished. Doesn't use the book or iPad when it's available to him. She's preaching the same thing I am...Effort and doing his best. Hasn't sunk in yet. She has no concerns about his learning or attention abilities. I will definitely keep an eye on those things though. I'm not sure she's the most engaged teacher. She is not concerned about his future academic path though so that's a relief.

We're in survival mode. For the first time ever, I'm counting the days until school is out. Summer can't come soon enough for him or me. Almost there!!!!

I remember those days so very well and I support all of your hard efforts to let your kids have some fun with their ballgames and such, then trying to get home and work even harder there to get all you can done before bed time.

I use to say I met myself 3 times coming and going after work!

Hang in there summer is nearly here, and you will get some relief from all the madness.

I loved being a mom, but I do not miss those days! It is "TOUGH" being a working mom, coach, cheerleader, disciplinarian, cook, dishwasher, maid, laundry person, chauffeur and this is all usually in one day!

Hang Tough!