Take me drunk, I'm home.

Do you have dain bramage?

Occifer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

But Officer, I was only GOING one way!

You want to know if I get that joke...well...my answer is:

Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

Of course I get it. But then I also understand the rule against perpetuities, the hearsay rule, and what the meaning of is is. So, I am probably not your best source for an explanation of a nonsensical riddle.

Life is like a s**t sandwich. The more bread you have, the less s**t you have to eat!

Working here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit. Nobody notices, but you still get a warm feeling.

I especially like #23. Similar to one of my all time favorites:

Every dog has his day------------
Today is not your day,
tomorrow ain't looking too good either.

How do you get down off an elephant?

Answer: You don't get down off an elephant, you get down off a duck!

Also, did you know that ducks never fly upside down? If they did, they'd quack up.

Finally, what do you get when you cross a duck with an evangelist?

Answer: A box of Graham quackers.

OK, I can either stay with this thread, or I can get back to work. OK, a few last thoughts before the latter.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
And finally, save the whales. Collect the whole set.

For the poor anonymous guy looking for a duck joke.....(I assume only a man would spend six hours looking for a duck joke).

This duck walks into a bar and sits on one of the bar stools. He looks at the bartender for a minute, and then asks, "Got bread?"

The bartender looks at the duck for a second, and answers, "No, I don't have any bread."

A few seconds later, the duck asks, "Got bread?"

The bartender answers, "No, I just told you, I don't have any bread."

The duck thinks about it for a minute, and then asks, "Got bread?"

The bartender is a little angry. He says, "Look, if you ask if I have any bread one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"

The duck looks around the bar, thinks things over for a minute, and then asks, "Got nails?"

The bartender answers, "No, I don't have any nails. Why?"

"Got bread?"

3-legged dog walks into a saloon, says he looking for the low down skunk who shot his paw.

Dear Lame Duck out of Water: Don't feel bad. When I was young and horse-crazy, my dad told me that when I could answer that question correctly, he would buy me a horse. I eventually dragged the answer out of his brother, responded accurately, and got my horse. Apparently this was some ancient Norwegian riddle that obviously got lost in the translation somewhere.

And, as Stephen Wright has asked: What's another word for thesaurus?

Never kill a customer!

Why?

You guys are full of it today! or We are full of it everyday.

Anyway, it looks like we'll still have fall ball. You know what's on first and who's on second and IDONTKNOW on 3rd.

My kids love it when i play this game on them. Especially when they need money!!!!

HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY!!

i think you might have meant "why NOT?"

Did you hear that one of the major car manufacturers is working with the federal government to develop a "black box" for SUV's? This black box works just like the ones on airliners- they record what happened in the event of a crash.

Anyway, they conducted tests in all 50 states to see how these things worked and they analyzed the conversations captured by the box just before impact.

In 48 out of the 50 states, the most often heard phrase was "Oh s***" In Texas and South Carolina, it was "Hold my beer and ya'll watch this!"

For those of you in Texas, that's how the joke was told to me. I happen to be from South Carolina (I can vouch for my state!)

Microsoft Windows tip:

While in Internet Explorer, if you hit Control and K at the same time nothing happens.

Goodbye--it is now time for weekend frivolity.

I agree, let the weekend frivolity begin! I'm outta here. And, whoever gave me my nifty gold stars, thanks!

Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread (as well as last week's). I really enjoy the humor everyone provides. Time for the week-end to begin. Hope everyone has a good week-end.

HEY WAITTTTTTT It's only 2:23 pm here. I can't leave til at least 3 to look like I've put in a full bankers day! Ya'll can stay with me....

Thanks, Andy! You have no idea how much I needed that list after today (this week, this month,...). This Friday before a three-day, Social Security, Voice-Response-system-was- down-last-night weekend was a doozy! Unfortunately, I read the list just before I had to go do dinner relief on the teller line. Red, watery eyes, not-quite-suppressed giggling, etc. don't quite set an example for the troops or instill confidence in the customers!

And before anyone asks, no - "dinner relief" does not mean I serve food to the hungry tellers. Happy Labor Day!

Hope you enjoyed this thread, until next Friday...

In the great green room
There was a telephone
And a red ballon
And a picture of-
The cow jumping over the moon

And there were three little bears sitting on chairs
And two little kittens
And a pair of mittens

And a little toyhouse
And a young mouse
And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush
And a quiet old lady who was whispering "hush"

Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Good night cow jumping over the moon
Goodnight light
And the red balloon
Goodnight bears
Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens
And goodnight mittens
Goodnight clocks
And goodnight socks

Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse
Goodnight comb
And goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody
Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere