Dating is a PITA!

This is a very casual relationship (if I can even call it that). For the last two months we see each other when we can. He works a lot, I have my kids every other week and don't see him when I do. BUT, he is jealous and really wants to ...(I can't say control) have a very strong influence on what I do when he's not around.

I've pretty much decided that it's the chase that I enjoy in this situation. It's a challenge to see if I can get him "hooked". But, deep inside me somewhere I know that if I did I would never put up with his crap in a real relationhip. So lately I've been wondering, "what's the point"? If I don't see this going anywhere why am I wasting my time? The only answer I've been able to come up with so far is that I really don't want a serious relationship, and I know this one would never end up as one.

I better go back to the bar!

The first step is admiting it right?? If you know he is jealous (and doesn't like your friends or you hanging out with them), and you know he may not be that into you and you openly admit that you wonder why you are with him. You are afraid you won't find anyone, you are afraid of being alone. You think his jealousy is part of his loving side. If you can admit that he is not worth your time then you should just move on. There are plenty of great men in the world that would give you everything you deserve, and the thing you want the most. LOVE

I'll be at the bar waiting... I am not jealous

I know how you feel, I'm in the same boat as you Jen. I just keep putting up with it. I bought that book at Barnes and Noble but I wasnt ready to read it and admit that he wasnt that into me. I dont know what my problem is. OH WAIT, yes I do, I need some sort of therapy. My ex cheated on me with a married lady that we work with. LOVELY! The cop was my rebound, but any other guy that would treat me like he does, I would have kicked to the curb. I cant with him, AND I DONT KNOW WHY.

I'll be at the bar with Jen

Ok, it's official...he's a creep and I'm finished with him. He never called Friday afternoon and not at all on Saturday. I went out with girlfriends both nights and had a blast. On the way home Saturday night he sent a text message saying that I was a lying *****. I was so hurt, why would he say that? Then one of my girlfriends read the message and in it he admitted to reading my journal and felt that there were some discrepancies in what I had told him and what I had written in the couple of months BEFORE he and I met! UNBELIEVABLE! So, while I was working Friday and he was hanging out at my house he went through my nightstand drawer and found my journal and decided to read it? What a jerk!

I've been reading this thread all along, but I haven't posted yet. I think I need to read that book - He's just not that into you. I was single for over 4 years, and in that time I grew very independant. Three months ago I met him. Up until last week I really thought he was perfect. We got along well, he was sweet, everything was just wonderful. Then all of a sudden, it's like his true guy colors came out. He was angry about where I left my shoes, the way I made the bed, the fact that I wanted to relax on Sunday afternoon instead of get things done. To me, these seem like they might be big red flags of a control freak. What do you think?

OH MY HECK, Jen, that stinks. What a donkey.

Jasmine, i'm sorry that yours turned out to be a creep. I'm not ready to read that book yet, I know that he may not be that into you, but I'm not ready to know that for sure.

Well mine canceled this weekend. Saturday morning I had to work for a couple hours, and on my way to work at 0800 he called. He had the weekend off but was on call for another county about a hour away from him. He had to go to an accident and said he would call when he was done. He didnt call until around 5, it takes me 2 hours to get up there, so I wouldnt have gotten there until 7. He said he was exhausted, that he was planning on being in bed by 8---he really did sound tired. So I didnt get to see him, and I'm kind of bummed. I tried talking to him when he was online last night but he didnt say anything. I'm hoping he was away from the computer and not going into ignore mode again.

Jen, I would be hunting him down and beating him for doing that. I know that there are better guys out there than that. See I'm good at saying that to others, but not taking my own advice.

That was me, sorry, I forgot to log in

Jasmine...are you dating my ex husband? When we first got married and for several years he thought I was perfect...ok, maybe not but was very happy with me and our relationship. Then the last several years he was unbelievably critical of me. If I was in the barn riding my horses, I should have been in the house making supper. If I was in the house making supper I should have been in the barn riding my horse. Heaven forbid I sit down if I actually got both done, I still needed to bathe the kids, do the laundry, mow the yard, etc. NOTHING I did was ever good enough for him.

Angie, it would make me feel better to try out some of my kickboxing moves on him but I know he's not worth it. I never even responded to his message. I don't feel that he's worthy of a response...much less the effort to kick him upside the head.

See, that's what I'm afraid of. All of these minor things now may turn into big things later. It's scary how quickly you forget how much you enjoyed your independance. I enjoy being a part of a couple, you know having someone to do things with, but I don't want to be criticized at every turn either.
I suppose the wise thing is to cut him loose now, before I get in any deeper.

Oh but it would be really fun Jen. Good for you. I wish I had that kind of self control. I usually end up getting so mad, even after I've gone to the gym and worked it out, that I EXPLODE. Then I feel stupid and they think I'm crazy.

Jasmine, my ex-boyfriend was very similar to what you have described. Except he became VERY scary. I left when he threw me across the room. At first he seemed perfect (or as close as one can get). He always picked me up for a date, he always insisted on paying, my parents loved him and we seemed to have similar interests.

Then I started noticing things. We would go fishing and he would critize everything I did. We went hunting and I ended up in tears. I ignored all of this and moved in with him anyway.

The house was never clean enough, he didn't like my cooking, my dogs were messy, etc. and no, he never lifted a finger. Soon, he started critizing me personally. I was too fat but I wasted money at the gym (plus dinner was later if I worked out), my hair was bad, he would even rip-up clothes of mine that he didn't like and then yell at me for buying new clothes. Soon, he wouldn't let me go out unless it was as a couple with his friends. I started finding out that he stole from his employer and lied about almost everything. He would take my vehicle because it got better gas milage and also take the keys to his truck so that he knew I was "safe" at home on the weekends. Our fights escalated and he would push me or slap me.

After he threw me, my dad came and got me while x was fishing on the weekend. My dad called him and told him that if my car was not returned in one hour he was calling the police to report it stolen. (I love my dad!)

Long story not so short, it was the most frightening and demeaning experience of my life! I didn't mean for this to be such a rant but thanks for listening. And Jasmine, after reading through this your situation may not be this bad but still, be careful and pay more attention to the details than I did.

Doodlebanker, I'm so glad you're no longer in that situation. I appreciate your input.

Again, OH MY HECK, I'm so glad you're not in that situation anymore. Thank goodness for Dad's. I think my Dad is tired of bailing me out, but I think he would do the same thing for me in that case.

Has anyone seen the movie Spanglish? I'm so like the wife in that movie. I'm freaking out today because I dont understand why I didnt talk to him yesterday, and I'm doubting him really being exhausted this weekend. It's a great movie, highly recommended. Actually I'm not that crazy, and I know he was tired, but....you never know....

OK girls, I can't stand it anymore. These guys are treating you like CRAP! Let them go, and don't worry about an explanation, or kickboxing them to the curb. Just walk away.

I put up with relationships like this for years and I wish someone had slapped me into reality. I would not have wasted so many years and carry so many haunting memories.

These are not games you are playing. You are taking them way too seriously and working way to hard to see these guys, who don't seem to be trying to hard to see you. (Sorry, that was the reality-slap, I wish I had gotten.)

Take it from someone who is now on the other side. Find someone who isn't so much work. It is a lot more fun. And being alone is better than constantly having your self-esteem slaughtered. Relationships like this make you do crazy things that you normally wouldn't dream of doing, and years later you wonder what you were thinking. (I'm not passing judgment, just speaking from experience.)

Eeek, well the others got rid of theirs, time for me to step up.

ok, so heres my thing. I have this guy that i like, and he has claimed to like me. right? I'm thinking lets go out. All the criteria ijn my book is met. He doesn't want to start dating until he can buy me flowers, drink, pot and more, so i wait and wait and wait, and we are cuddling, being involved and everything, but then he gets hit by a car, while he was skateboarding home from my house. He is so cute and i know he still likes me but what am i supposed to do. he can't really crutch everywhere in creation. But i don't know if he still likes me it has been a month or so now, and he just sits at home and watches tv, he isn't the brightest crayon in the box, so he "forgets" to call me, what do i do about this.

Well, first of all, re-examine your criteria for having a romance. You have one or two things in there that need to be removed for your own health. Second of all, do you really want to be with someone who "isn't the brightest crayon in the box"? You're worth so much more. Don't settle for someone just because they're cute. And after a month, he didn't forget to call. He doesn't want to call. It might be time to move on.

Gad you girls scare me. You're hanging on just to see if you can get him "hooked"? What the heck are you going to do with the guy if he's hooked? Throw him back because you really don't want him anyhoo? How mean is that?

And allowing any man to determine when and where and with who you spend time? Are you 12? Why are you not able to make decisions about your life without fences placed around them? This is all about control, and if you're dumb enough to put up with it, you'll be controlled for the rest of your life. Do you want to live like that? Read the domestic violence facts, the first thing an abuser does is cuts you off from your friends, dictating where you can and can't go If you START a realtionshp with someone like that, where on earth does it take you?

Jealous men and women are insecure men and women. Again, is that what you're looking for in a mate? If you have a strong relationship, you have love, and trust, and MOST importantly RESPECT! In that kind of a relationship, there is no need nor place for jealously.

Come on girls...you're intelligent professional Get a back bone! Get a danged dog is you need constant adoration and then take some time and try to find a GOOD guy Not the creeps you're describing here.

I hate to say this, but I think the cop guy has the potential, I dont think he knows how to balance his professional life with his personal life. I'm not sure yet if I want to wait around for him to figure it out, because my feelings are getting hurt in the process. I do like him though, even though I've said that I would dump him, I really do like him. I'm just not sure what to do, so I am confused. I do agree with everything that everyone has said, but I'm not ready to give up hope yet. Sorry Attack me and telling me what I'm doing is wrong, if you must, but I don't know yet.

Dawnie, I agree with you 100% and never would have thought I would end up in a relationship like I did. I've never felt like I needed to be with someone to be happy and I've always been very independant. I don't know what happened.
Your advice about getting a dog is good though. When I first started dating x my dog growled at him whenever he touched me. This is a dog that has never shown any signs of aggression and would most likely lick you to death if you broke into my house. She has never growled at anyone before or since I should have listened to her!

I have not posted in this thread but I have to say, I agree with Dawnie and doodlebanker when it comes to someone trying to control you. It can only get worse! I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man who was jealous and possessive. He had to be with me all of the time and if for some reason I did something by myself, he was watching in the wings checking up on me. He never laid a hand on me, but he said some very mean things to me, which can be just as bad. What finally did it for me was when I had to go to a city 240 miles away for bank training. I went with a fellow employee (female) and the first night we went to have dinner and then went back to our rooms. He called me that night and ripped into me because I wasn't in my room right after my training session. The next night, we went to dinner with our trainer (also female), had a drink and then went back to our room. No sooner did I close my room door and he was there knocking. I couldn't believe it. He traveled 240 miles to check up on me. I broke it off with him right then and there because if someone is that desperate, they are capable of anything. He followed me around for quite awhile after that and I had to always have family or friends with me until he finally left me alone.

Ladies, I am not going to preach to any of you because I have certainly made my share of mistakes, but please, please, please be careful out there. There are a lot of unstable people in this world and sometimes we do not figure that out until it is too late.

As I said before, I am so glad I am past this stage. I have to agree with what Dawnie said. I have learned the hard way that most often you are better off with no one than hooked up with someone that drives you crazy or makes your miserable. This goes for both sexes. Come on girls, start liking yourselves more and only let someone that is going to like you in the same way into your life. Don't play games with your lives and with someone elses. There is always a loser in a game, and often it can be you.