Gee! That makes my brain hurt!

True story:

Years ago a guy held up a bank. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have a car so he got on the public bus for his get away. Needless to say police caught him 6 blocks away.

"I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do.
I do not know, but I do and I feel and I am tortured."

-M. Tullius Cicero, Carmina LXXXV

This is not directed to anyone in particular, but I thought it was funny:

If a gnat dived into your pool of knowledge, it would break its neck.

-Cary Grant to Ginger Rogers in Once Upon a Honeymoon

Three men get a hotel room for $30. Each man pays $10. After they leave, the desk clerk realizes the rate is only $25 and gives the bellman $5 to return to the guests. On the way, the bellman can't figure out how to split $5 among three people so he keeps $2 for himself and gives each man $1.
This means each man paid $9 for the room, which makes that $27. The bellman has $2, for a total of $29.
WHERE did the extra $1 go?

George Carlin:

- Before you "refinish" a piece of furniture, don't you have to restart it first?

Steven Wright:

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

The $3 went here.

From my son's 4th grade homework, what are the next 2 characters in this sequence?

OTTFFSSE_ _

Ya'll are far too smart for me today! I got back to Anchorage at about 4 am and I'm just sitting here in zombie zone....so I'll do the math on the hotel question tomorrow.

But for today, for those of us who just can't manage a complete thought, how about one of my favorite quotes, proving that there are days you should just keep your lips tight together....

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."-- Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

Ahhh intelligence...apparently illusive on occasion even for the highest paid folks in the world.

Desiderata


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Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world in full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.



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Often attributed as "Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692."

Actually, Desiderata was written in 1927 by an obscure Indiana lawyer and poet named Max Ehrmann. Sources include: The Washington Post, November 27, 1977.

Deteriorata!


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The following poem was not found in an old Baltimore church:
Introduction

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!


Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.


Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.


Ro-tate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.


Know what to kiss.....and when!

Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.


Wherever possible, put people on hold.


Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.


Chorus

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.


Remember the Pueblo.


Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.


Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.


Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.


Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.


Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.


Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.


Hire people with hooks.


For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."


Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.


And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.


Chorus

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.


Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.


With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.


GIVE UP!

Reprise

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.




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Performed by National Lampoon on "National Lampoon Radio Dinner," a 1972 recording by Blue Thumb Records. Lyrics by Tony Hendra.

This one is true! My aunt's father-in-law is a retired game warden. When he was a rookie, out on his first poaching stake-out, he was fortunate enough to catch a couple of poachers. He snuck up on them, stopped just out of their line of sight and yelled, "Shalt or I'll hoot!"

He heard them laughing as they ran off in the darkness. Never caught them!

Steven Wright;
- "What's another word for thesaurus?"

VARIOUS ORGANIZATIONAL PHILOSOPHIES EXPLAINED IN "TWO COW" TERMS

1. SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

2. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

3. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk.

4. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.

5. BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

6. CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.

7. CORPORATE MENTALITY: You have 2 cows. Get rid of one, force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows, and then act surprised when it drops dead.

8. ENRON-ISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. You then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. You then transfer the milk rights of six cows via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder of your publicly listed company who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your publicly listed company. The Annual Report to Shareholders says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Bonnie...You've once again proved that cowgirls...have more fun!

The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely
woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."
I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."
She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F."
I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T."
The lady was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time.
Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical
statement, "S - H - I - T."
The lady, finally deciding to explain, said,"T - G - I - F, Thank
Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"
I answered back, "S - H - I - T.......
Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

You get today's umbrella drink.

Where is everybody??? Its Friday dang it, start the frivolity!

What are nicknames of teachers that I had in grammar school and high school?

Mrs. Levitas was called "Heavy Levi".

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Bonnie, I love it!