Wait! How about this one?
What do you call a cow with no legs?




Ground beef.
Okay, that's enough. Not quitting my day job. However, after searching high and low, I wasn't able to come up with many funny, clean jokes.
Nasty ones? Now that's another story!

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

(OK, not really mine - got it from an email!)

I love it!!! That's great! LMAO!

While we're going downhill, lets see if anyone will add this to their upcoming CIP policy to see if it gets a line item veto (still with the political connotations)(or read at all). You gotta love technology!

TOILET CREDITS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Staff Notice:

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management, and equal treatment for all.

* On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits. These may be accumulated. The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices.

* Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal, and one under stress.

* Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.

* In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the toilet is occupied for more that three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush, and the door will open automatically.

* If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera, and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits.

* Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.

* Be advised that workman's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper from retracting into the dispenser.

That is too funny!! I'm LOL over that smiling at the security camera one!

I don't think I can top that - I'm going home! Going to a Bobby Knight basketball game tonight. It's just an exhibition, so there's not much chance of flying chairs.

I was in Washington State when we had a huge snow that dropped 4 feet of snow in our area. Half of the roof our our branch collapsed (of course over my desk) and the branch flooded leaving a minimum of six inches of water and in some areas a foot.

I know there's a law somewhere...because I had to "run" the danged branch in my hip waders (I'm not kidding) until we got approval to close as the snow had hit Thursday (We closed Friday and Saturday) so we HAD to bbe "somewhat" open on Monday until we received approval to close.

We opened the drive through...where there were drifts of snow over six feet high and the water inside the branch was a foot deep. It was a heck of a couple of hours before we (myself and a teller who lived next door) could officially "shut down" the branch.

Amazingly enough we did have a client come in! Wanted to renew her CD (which renewed automatically). She chewed me out for closing the Friday and then wanted a receipt for renewal. (We had no power!) I wanted her to try to cash a check...I had about $23 on me and we couldn't open the vault...she was smart enough not to ask but did want to know where the free coffee was...SHEESH!!!

So umm anyway..I was saying...There is at least a law in Washington state. (And if there isn't...I'm going to find the president of my old bank and do him bodily harm)

We are in Washington State as well and a state chartered bank. We learned that state law required that we not have three consecutive days when we didn't "process negotialble items drawn on our institution".
So it seems to be an issue of clearing items not having branches open.

Besides if bankers get anymore days off around here we will be lynched!!

I know we have to get the State authority to OK our closing the bank on account of snow. It has only happened a few times in the entire 80+ year history of the bank, but someone's got to make the call. What do we do if the phones are out?

Dawnie, you keep me so entertained! We definitely have to have a sense of humor in this business I must share my "snow" story. I worked for a bank in Lower Alabama. One fine Saturday morning in March, I was awakened by a phone call from one of our branch managers. She wanted to know if we were going to open the bank. I looked out my window and, Yes, it had snowed the night before - all of 1 inch. EVERYTHING closed down. People were warned to stay off the streets - driving conditions were unsafe! (more like the drivers were unsafe) I drove to our supermarket branch and found that we had no power - we couldn't even get in the branch - the electric gate would not open. The snow was gone by noon . Power was restored long before then. Just a little different perspective - you think this would fly in Alaska?

There was a question in another thread about when is compliance too much for one person. It appears that it is too much for this person .... over the edge. The jokes are funny maybe compliance is not where you belong ... you could be the compliance banking answer to Ray Romano, Jerry Senfeld, Morty Gelman, etc.

Andy,

We currently have a similar policy but it is in the Human Resouces (talk about an indecorous title)Policy. It was created when we had to address budget considerations. It was part of the overall plan .... remove the snack machines, eliminate free coffee, tea and water, no breaks and shorter lunch time ....

hahahahaha ......

It certainly wouldn't fly in Pennsylvania. We need at least 4 inches of snow on the road just to fill the potholes!

I worked in Tennessee one winter. They had snow and a secretary called in to ask if the roads were passable. Being from Wisconsin, I said "The salt trucks should be out soon, then the roads will be clear". She thought I was nuts! "Why the h*** would they dump salt on the roads?" she asked. "To melt the snow," I said. She said in Knoxville, they wait 3 days for the snow to melt, and if it doesn't, they throw dirt on it for traction. Dirt?? For traction?? More like a mudslide.

I always thought a cow with no legs was udder destruction.

Maybe you find them in Moo York City.

Rant alert:
AND, you probably know that living in Wisconsin...we don't shut down for ANYTHING! At least, here in good old Milwaukee we don't. Winter is the worse, after the first snowfall people act as if they have never seen snow before. Crazy, lunatic drivers come out and NO ONE wants to go anywhere. Most of us Wisconsinites have lived here our WHOLE LIVES. Snow, is snow. Get over it! We would have to get 2 feet of snow before the city would even blink!

Rant over, feel much better!

In Va Beach, if we get snow EVERYTHING closes. I have also seen those dreaded drawbridges and tunnels close, so getting anywhere is a nightmare.

Personally, I like the close everything policy. Just more quality time with the family and an excuse to bake sticky buns!!

Kara, I just can't relate.

Ah yes. In Wisconsin in the winter, you leave your car running as you go in the bank, to keep the heater working. In Florida in the summer, you leave your car running as you go in the bank, to keep the air conditioner running.

NOTE: This is small town America. No one would think of stealing your car, because everyone would know it. "Hey, why is Joe Shmoe driving Nanwa's car?"

I have to agree with Kara S. I lived in Minneapolis most of my life. Now I live in Fargo (that's FarrrrrGooooo). Minneapolis after the first snow everyone drives as if nothing has changed. Causing major accidents. Fargo, people drive slower than you can you walk. Causing major accidents. It's very strange, it takes about 2-3 weeks of snow before people realize how to drive in it.

No offense but I wouldn't want to be in a southern state during a major snow fall. People aren't used to driving in it and they don't have the snow plow fleets they have here.

Well.... over here on the West Coast in Norther Californa we're dealing with our first major storm of the season. We don't have the snow you have, but in the Northern Sacramento Valley we're dealing with strong gusty winds, terential downnnnnnnnn pours of rain and people driving like they're in the Winston 500. They're all in the fast lane!

I'm in Southern California "What's SNOW?

Nanwa, did you see the salt trucks? Often they’re not automatic… a couple of guys in the back of a truck shoveling out the sand or salt!

Wouldn't you just hate to have sticky buns?

I would love to ask "What is snow?"

Actually, Don Narup, I'm leaving this state called Wisconsin and heading to good old San Diego for Thanksgiving. Plus scoping out the city/area to see if it is a place I want to relocate to. Can't wait to wonder "What Snow is!"

No offense taken, scoulte. I grew up in Florida and have lived in the South all my life. Please send those snow plows & salt down here if it EVER comes a major snowstorm. We have no experience driving in snow (although I can handle driving during gale-force winds) and it sounds as though the snowbirds who retire down here won't be able to handle it either - for the first 2-3 weeks.