Granny, it sounds like her mom is more than just a "disappointment". A "disappointment" could make the wedding "uncomfortable". She sounds more like "destructive", as in "ruin" the day.

I have an ex-sister-in-law who is downright destructive. She fought with everyone at her sister's funeral! Burned all her bridges when she needed them most. She sabotages all of her daughter's relationships, with men and with girlfriends. We have tried, for years to reach out to her, but she is now my "ex" sister-in-law, not on speaking terms with her own siblings, and barely on speaking terms with one daughter. The other daughter, unfortunately, is under her thumb, and I am afraid will never get away and find happiness.

Nanwa...I know what you are saying, about a "disappointment". I suppose that she could ruin the day....If she does, then she will only show to others what her daughter already knows....No one will pity mom.......That may not be comforting while all of it is occuring.....But this woman is still her mother....it isn't a sister-in-law.

I know about family who doesn't speak to one another. I saw my mother-in-law being treated like dirt by her daughter.....and while my mother-in-law was not the problem, she always felt that this person, as hateful and spiteful as she could be was her daughter...She never would leave her out of anything....and neither did I....She came to Christmas dinner...stormed out of the house before dinner because she got upset with the kind of wine that was served......Screamed at her parents because the fish was cold.....screamed at her brother because he went into a camp to spray for bees.....and her child's diapers would not need to be rewashed..doesn't speak to her only two children, did help one iota when her dad was ill and needed diapers changed and to be tube fed, didn't visit her mother while she was dying...and the last words that she said to her was "if you don't fire that sitter, I will never come back" and she didn't....now granted, I don't know if she regrets it. Frankly, everyone said that her heart is too black to regret anything like that...

I can only say what it would be for me....I would not want to meet my maker on Judgement Day and try to give reasons for not "turning the other cheek".

I don't mean to sound flip but, what do you do when you run out of cheeks? You try and try, and get nowhere. Kind of like banging your head against the wall. It feels so good when you stop.

Hee!Hee! Hee!. Yeah, it does, doesn't it......

Yes, Nanwa, I have run out of cheeks. She has proven herself to be incapable of behaving decently in situations where it matters. I feel that I've put up with it all my life, and I've had enough. I feel like she may have some untreated mental problem, and my fiance feels the same. I think she is aware that she ruins things, and maybe enjoys it or just cannot stop herself. One more story about her: A couple of years ago when my son was seven years old, he went to spend the summer with her. My mother's husband's brother, who was around 55 years old at the time was staying with them. I guess Mom was tired of him being there, because one day when her husband and my son came back from the store, she was on the front lawn with his brother's stuff beating it with a hammer and screaming. The ambulance and police came, my son had to stay with a neighbor, and has been traumatized by seeing his Grandma act like that ever since that happened. I was furious, but my fiance wanted to give her another chance. So the next summer, we went down there, and he was supposed to stay with her and we were going on to Key West, and she had failed to tell us she had a job and couldn't watch him but for a few days at a time, so we didn't get to go to Key West. That was the last straw for my fiance. We had talked on the phone twice a week on the way down there (we RV'd down there) and not once did she mention her job. She did that on purpose. She can't help herself. I'm tired of being the victim.

Maybe it is time to tell her in no uncertain terms that until she seeks counseling or other medical/professional treatment, she can not be a part of your lives.

Your number one priority is your family, and their safety and mental well being, and that includes you. If you have given her a final chance, as has your fiance, and more than one, now might be the time for the bite to be bigger than the bark, so to speak.

You may love your mother for she is your mother, and because she is, I hope you do. But because you love her does not mean that you must condone her antics and hostilities, whether they are behavorial or mental.

The stress of work, raising a child, cultivating a loving relationship and new family...you already have your plate full. Do not intentionally add another stessor onto your life. And by all means, if you have not already, please seek some counseling for yourself. Any decision you make in this matter is going to have its share of pros and cons. Perhaps an unbiased third party can help you through your choice, and help your be ok with whatever you choose.

Been in your shoes, and it stinks, but at some point your mental well being must take priority, so you can be a healthy good mother and spouse.

Your advice is right on target. She has been in counseling before and always quits. She was in a mental counseling facility for about 3 months (in patient) after her divorce from my father. She had been prescribed some medications back then and she quit them. Her current husband urged her to get counseling after the breaking stuff on the lawn incident, and she went a couple of times and then quit. I do love her, and she is my mother. She has done alot of wonderful things for me in the past and I believe she is good hearted deep down. It's like gambling though, you never know which side of her you will see.

Yep, sounds like the woman has unresolved issues. If she took a hammer to stuff, sounds like anger management is part of it.

The niece that is under the ex sister-in-law's thumb has cried to her father that she is afraid her mother's behavior is genetic. I believe it is, although to a lessor extent in my niece. She, at least, has sought counseling. The SIL says, "I don't have a problem. You all have the problem." We do. It's her.

LOL! I worry that it's genetic too. My fiance has already says he hopes I don't end up like her. She was always this way, but in the last 3-4 years it's gotten MUCH worse. I'm not sure if it's because she's getting older, or because she's married. She is more normal when she's not with anyone, and when she is married or dating, it's like she just acts like a total nut! i have noticed that is a pattern with her.

Hmmm....if that is the case, perhaps you might want to reconsider the marrige thing after all....

Your mother sounds very much like my ex-sister-in-law. She appears to be the sweetest angel, but don't turn your back on her or she will plunge a knife right into your back! Before my brother married her and they were living together, she would fly into a rage and pack all of his belongings (that she didn't otherwise destroy) into big black trash bags and drive an hour to my parents house and throw the bags into their driveway.

All his friends told him not to marry her; he did, and ended up losing all of them. She made sure of that.

She would torture my parents! I will never forget picking up my ringing phone one evening to the sound of screaming on the other end of the phone. Then I heard my father (who I never in my life heard raise his voice) yelling in the background. My mother was on the phone and said to me "She's here and she won't leave!". I said "Who's there?" And she said my sister-in-law. The whole time we are talking the yelling is going on in the background. I asked my mother if she wanted me to come there, and she said no. So I told her to hang up and call the police. It wasn't until after my mother announced to her that she was calling the police, that she ran out of their house. She and my brother lived an hours drive away.

She hates her own parents and does not get along with any of her siblings. As I said earlier, her own daughter never told her she was getting married. Her son joined the Marines to get away from her.

In her case, when she was about 10 years old, she was hit by a car and had head injuries, among other things. I believe that is where her mental problems surfaced. But, according to her, nothing is wrong with her, it's everybody else that has a problem! She's a hypocondriac and runs to the doctors claiming the latest "popular" ailment and the doctors end up prescribing prozac or something similar. When she takes the pills, she's OK; when she doesn't, look out!

The sad part of this whole thing is that my nephew is still living with her. I fear for his mental safety. She brainwashes him into believing he has learning disabilities and ADHD. My brother does not get anywhere with the court system, as a mother has to seriously injure a child before it will be taken from her. My brother was the abused one in their relationship (not that a man wants to admit that) but, of course, she was always pulling my brother into court claiming non-existent abuses. (She did that with the first husband also.) My brother even asked the court at one time for both of them to be tested for mental soundness, and they refused. My brother just hopes that when my nephew turns 13, he requests to live with his father (my brother).

It is scary to think that there are so many mentally incapcitated people running around that nothing will be done about until they physically hurt themselves or someone else.

Your sister-in-law DOES sound alot like my mother. Upon first meeting her casually, you couldn't meet a more charming person. Then when the time is right, it's crazy time! She also is estranged from her parents and brother. I used to side with her in the family disputes, but now I can see why they can't get along. I am estranged from that side of the family now because of her too, I was trying to be a good daughter and support my mom. Now I feel like an idiot because of it. It was impossible to have a relationship with them anyway, because when I did, she dogged me about it all the time. I don't know why she is the way she is, but I think she's been that way since childhood, from what I can tell. I am not perfect either, but at least I don't try to ruin things for other people, and I'm more considerate and reliable than she is.