Just try reading the above post without your eyeballs crossing. Remember Abrams Advice - Whenever you eat an elephant, take small bites.

Today is a total waste of make-up.

First law of chemistry: Never lick the spoon.
Second law of chemistry: A hot glass rod looks just like a cold glass rod.

Here's something for you bibliophiles: next time you're in a Barnes & Noble, you'll notice signs on the bookshelves: "Alphabetical by author," "Alphabetical by title," and - my favorite - "Alphabetical by letter." Ummm...what other way IS there to alphabetize?

Kind of reminds me of the definition for CIP of a non-US person. A non-US person is a person who is not a US person. I still giggle over that one.

If "exgovtbabe" were president, she'd be "baberham" lincoln...

Actual descriptions given by drivers to insurance companies about the details of their accidents.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with trees I don't have
- As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where a sign has never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I had been driving over 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when I struck my front end.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed down the embankment.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounded off the hood of my car.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray dogs.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I read this one and now I have tears running down my face.

I had this sign on the wall in my office at a former bank employer. It could be the compliance officer mantra. Here it is:

I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your questions.....
Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them completely. The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we weren't even aware were problems.
To sum it all up... In some ways I feel we are as confused as ever, but I believe we are confused on a higher level, and about more important things.

The next time you get a customer with a WILD story, remember this:

There was a man who was allegedly injured on the job and applied for workers' compensation. The cause of the injuries was a wheel barrow falling on him. The injuries were serious and were to the top of the man's head, the back of his hands, the bottom of his feet, his chest, and his back. The investigator assigned to the case was skeptical that the injuries were caused by the reason given on the form. They just did not make sense given the cause of the injuries. So, he wrote the man and told him that he needed a detailed description of the accident to justify these seemingly unrelated injuries.

The reply went something like this:

My coworker and I were helping tear down a building that was several stories high. We rigged a pulley system with a wheel barrow attached to lower bricks from the various floors to the ground. I lifted the wheelbarrow up to the top floor and my coworker began loading the wheelbarrow with bricks. Well, he must have loaded too many bricks because I started to come off the ground. I headed up faster and faster. About midway up, I met the wheelbarrow causing the injury to my head. Well I was so far up, that I held on for dear life. Up, up I went until I reached the pulley and my hands were pulled into the pulley mechanism. That caused the injuries to my hands. Despite the pain, I held on tight because it was a long way down. About the time I hit the pulley, the wheelbarrow hit the ground dumping all of the bricks on the ground. The wheelbarrow now being lighter than me started its ascent back up--at that same time I began to descend. Me and the wheelbarrow met half way again--causing the injuries to my feet. Well I continued downward until I landed on the my back on the pile of bricks left by the falling wheelbarrow. While laying there on my back in terrible pain I must have lost my concentration because I let go of the rope--and the wheelbarrow came flying back down causing the injuries to my chest.

In reply to the "dumber than" list, my personal favorite comes from the film, O Brother, Where Art Thou when Everett says to Pete and Delmar...

"You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers."

Where does that come from?

When did the war of 1812 take place?

What color is a ripe orange?

Send 'em to school, give 'em books, and they just chew on the covers!

Send 'em off to college to get a little knowledge;
and all they want to do is learn how to score.

Jimmy Buffett

LOL LOL LOL LOL and getting some very strange looks from co-workers
But, they are getting used to it on Fridays. They also ask me where I go for lunch on Fridays.

zai...

Is that from the scene in the movie "Tombstone" when Doc Holiday and Johnny Ringo were at the bar???

I honestly do not know. It means: "I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do. I do not know, but I do and I feel and I am tortured." It is a Latin quote from M. Tullius Cicero, Carmina LXXXV. It just sounded like something that needed to be posted on the Frivolous Friday thread. Don't you agree?